Today’s the day I write about Dr. Tim. And let me tell you - he is a trip so this is likely going to be a two parter.
I met Dr. Tim at my last job - I’d heard some murmurings about how he was involved with our organization that can be summed up as: he was our Executive Director’s psychic advisor. So immediately I had an aversion to the idea of meeting with him because 1. I didn’t trust our Executive Director and 2. Who pays to have a psychic advisor come to your flailing organization?
But at that point in my work-life I was desperate for some type of coaching outlet and I was intrigued by the possibility of free work therapy. So we met.
"Are you a psychic advisor?" I asked, arms crossed.
"No." I felt like he was looking at me and through me at the same time. I wanted to be scared but mostly I was just curious.
"I do healing, and I believe in reading energies." He talked a bit about his ability to see or intuit things. He used the word mysticism a few times.
"And so we're supposed to meet and talk about work?" I ask.
"Do you want to talk about work? To me, work is just a piece of your life and you exist above it and below it. So we can talk about work or we can talk about you."
My job often had me in tears. It was exhausting, it was toxic. I was watching our organization hemorrhage staff, and as each person left I was taking on more and more work with no oversight or guidance. I was miserable but I wanted things to work. I believed in the work. I was scared to leave.
That was the last time he and I had a typical conversation.
He once said - I look at you and i see someone with the capacity to have a very large vision - you’re able to see out onto the horizon a long way, to send your spirit out ahead of you, like your mother and grandmother have before you. I see someone who is afraid to love because you have experienced a great loss. I see difficulties in your relationships with men because they do not love you the way you need.
Reader, you’re thinking to yourself right now - how dare this man make these assumptions about you, Nina. Or you’re wondering how I got sucked in by a cold read from a con artist.
But you have to understand, I’ve rarely met men who can read me. They want to BE read, they want to be read to. They don’t want to do the work and try to read me. And see me. And hear me. So here’s this man telling me what he sees, and I can’t help it. I cave.
We talk about my life. We talk about how hard it is to be at the office. We talk about why I am scared to fall in love. We talk about my parents and how I feel like i can’t ever really be independent from them. We talk about grief. We talk about burden. I cry in the conference room and I don’t give a damn who walks by.
He’s not a therapist - he isn’t there to listen, to take in, to mirror. He tells stories, he gives advice. He is a weird spiritual life coach.
A few meetings in, he stares at me for a few minutes and then he takes a breath.
"People love us in different ways. You know how you want to be loved. And you know the people who claim to love you. There are men who claim to love you and you don’t feel loved by them. So the question you need to ask yourself is:
'This man loves me in his world. But can he love me in mine?'"
What. The. Fuck.
“He can love you in his world, but can he love you in yours?" He repeats.
I feel lightheaded.
They don’t love me in my world. They love me in theirs but they don’t love me in mine.
But why. Why can’t they love me in my world, the world where I feel loved, the ways I want to be loved. Why. Why. Why?"
I cry. I cover my face in my hands. I cry and cry with bitterness because I hate this psychic advisor mystic man for saying these words in the middle of my work day and I hate that it’s resonating and I hate myself for all the times I tolerated someone else’s definition of love at the expense of my own.
"Sometimes, they just don’t," he says. We sit for a minute. "But now you know. You can see it now. So you can do something. You saw it the whole time. You were just afraid to ask the question."
I ask myself the question with every man I’ve dated since this meeting.
You can love me in your world. But can you love me in mine?
No. Still no. No again.
It’s ok - one day.